


Phil Coulson's handbook for surviving PMS May

by nightsisterkaris



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Menstruation, Mood Swings, PMSing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 18:39:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16918215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightsisterkaris/pseuds/nightsisterkaris
Summary: The vault door opened into a well decorated room. "There's wifi, food, several rooms, the bathroom's down the hall and a TV." Tony dragged him in. "This is my secret bunker for when Pepper is on her second through fifth days of her period.""Oh... Uh.. Mr. Stark. Really-" Phil started."And here's the armory." Tony showed him a massive cabinet chock full of all different types of expensive chocolate, and strange guns. "They fire chocolate bars. So the women don't get too close when you come out." Tony explained, handing two to Coulson, who hefted it with confusion. "Ever since Pepper and Nat synced..." Tony shuddered.





	Phil Coulson's handbook for surviving PMS May

**Author's Note:**

> Guys -or should I say girls, (I noticed a majority of my readers are female)- I think you all will relate to this fic. We all have that one time of the month that we become different people. We demand chocolate, heating pads, meds for cramps, and all those "fun" feminine products. And I'd like to think that May still experiences it too.
> 
> I think you can see where this is going. I'm so sorry, but bear with me my dudes.

They had just made it to the Avengers tower when his phone vibrated with a notification. Ignoring it, Phil Coulson lead his team off the Zephyr, and toward the roof door, where Pepper Potts waited to greet them. 

"Hello, Fitzsimmons, Agent May, Agent Coulson, and Agent Johnson!" Pepper smiled, checking their badges just for protocol. "FitzSimmons? Mr. Stark requested your presence in his lab as soon as possible. He seemed very excited." Pepper told the scientists, giving them lanyards with access codes for the buildings high tech security. 

"Agents Coulson -its nice to see you better now- May and Johnson, I'll take you to your rooms for the week." Mrs. Potts handed them each a lanyard. 

"Thank you so much for inviting the rest of us to stay while Stark and FitzSimmons do their lab stuff." Coulson thanked her. Pepper nodded, and she headed to the roof door, scanned her hand on the sensor, and held the door open for the agents. She lead them through the massive building and down to a huge lounge. Coulson stared at the two story tall stuffed rabbit in the corner. 

"He got a new one after the other was destroyed." Pepper sighed. Coulson nodded. A whoop came from the top of the stairs, and Tony Stark appeared. "Eh, Zombie, what took you so long to tell me that you're part of the walkin' dead?" 

"Hes not a zombie." May and Daisy said in unison. 

"Huh. Okay." Stark shrugged and came down the stairs, greeting Pepper with a side hug and a kiss. "Thank you, Pepper." He said, and gave Fitzsimmons directions to the lab where the three planned to do more research on the alien biology and organic matter that Stark had been working with. 

Fitzsimmons headed off, and Pepper turned to Daisy. "Natasha wants to meet Quake. She was hoping to meet this afternoon for lunch with you and Agent May?" Pepper pulled Daisy aside. 

"Natasha?" Daisy looked confused. 

Pepper smirked. "Natasha Romanoff. If it helps you, she's also comonly known as black widdow." 

Daisy freaked. "Lunch with agent Romanoff?!? Awesome!" Pepper left to show Melinda and Daisy to thier rooms before lunch.

That left Tony and Phil, who's phone vibrated again. Phil checked it. His stomach sank the second he read the notification: Your period can be expected today!

He cursed under his breath. Tony looked over his shoulder. "Wait, you have the app too?"

"Huh?" Coulson turned, panicked.

"Yeah. I started tracking Pepper's period years ago. Who's this one for?" Tony clarified and asked. "May." Phil confessed.

"Scary Asian one?" Tony raised his eyebrows. Phil nodded. 

Tony grabbed the older man's wrist and dragged him to an elevator. Pressing his thumb to a well disguised scanner, which blinked green, Tony pushed the elevator button that came from behind it. A secret floor. 

They headed down, and Phil was utterly confused. Finally, the elevator dinged, and opened up to a passageway, obviously underground, and revealed a door at the end of the hallway. Tony dragged Coulson toward the door, and he entered a password. "The entry password is, 'survival mode'." Tony told him.

The vault door opened into a well decorated room. "There's wifi, food, several rooms, the bathroom's down the hall and a TV." Tony dragged him in. "This is my secret bunker for when Pepper is on her second through fifth days of her period." 

"Oh... Uh.. Mr. Stark. Really-" Phil started. 

"And here's the armory." Tony showed him a massive cabinet chock full of all different types of expensive chocolate, and strange guns. "They fire chocolate bars. So the women don't get too close when you come out." Tony explained, handing two to Coulson, who hefted it with confusion. "Ever since Pepper and Nat synced..." Tony shuddered. 

"Mr. Stark, as much as I appreciate the secret bunker, I don't need to avoid -i mean, I kinda do- but I'm not abandoning Mel for the week." Phil said. "And you don't know her like I do."

Tony shrugged, "whatever, man." He paused. "But take some chocolate. And the gun."

 

-:x:-

(Daisy's POV)

Daisy groaned as she headed to the bathroom. Pushing the door open with her back, Daisy headed in. She heard May's voice curse in Mandarin. "May, you alright?" Daisy asked. 

"I actually can't wait for menopause." May growled. 

"Ugh I just started too. I hate cramps." Daisy said. "You need anything?" 

"Shí." May answered in Mandarin. 

Daisy smirked, opened a zippered pocket inside her leather jacket, and slipped May a pad underneath the stall door. Drug dealer style.

May thanked her, and then Natasha Romanoff walked into the bathroom. "I was cut! Sterilized! And still I have this da-" 

Daisy looked at her, and reached into her jacket again. "You need one too?" 

Nat reluctantly accepted the pad, slamming the stall door. 

-:x:-

 

(Phil's POV.)

Phil and Tony exchanged a look of panic when they rounded the corner and saw the four women. They were back from lunch, all in fuzzy pajamas, and curled up against the giant plush rabbit. There was a Starkpad infront of them, a half-empty bowl of popcorn and marshmallows. They were watching some chick-flick, and Daisy and Pepper were crying over the movie. 

"Phil!" May noticed them, challenging him to comment on her slightly less-then-terrifying postiton against a giant rabbit. Natasha narrowed her eyes. 

"Can you grab some chocolate for me?" Melinda asked. Tony gave him the I-told-you-so look. 

Phil was about to toss her one of the chocolate bars in his pockets, but Tony dramatically side -handed him a chocolate launcher gun. "Tony I swear if you shoot me with one of those-" Nat started. 

"Too late." Tony said, and Natasha used her super-ninja skills to catch the bar midair. She smiled and unwrapped it. "Can I have some?" Daisy asked. Nat growled no. 

Phil couldnt figure out how the chocolate launching gun worked, so he just threw May a bar. But it has Daisy in the head. The inhuman snarled with annoyance, and Phil wondered if the devil was speaking. Snatching the chocolate, Daisy prepared to open it. May grabbed it back. "That's mine." 

"Fight me." Daisy glared in all seriousness. 

"Oh I will." May turned, and not backing down. So Phil threw another bar to Daisy. The women settled down back to the movie when Pepper told them to shut up. Daisy shoved the chocolate in her mouth.

"See what I mean?" Tony said, retreating behind one of the couches. "They're terrifying." 

Phil rolled his eyes. He'd been dealing with PMS May for years. "Where's the kitchen?" He asked. 

Tony gave him the directions. 

On the way, he bumped into Steve. "Oh! Cap! Steve Rodgers! Captain America!" Phil exclaimed. It was a good thing Fury had told the avengers that Phil was alive, but Steve still stared at him. "Hello, agent Coulson." 

"Oh, just Phil." Coulson insisted. 

"What are you doing in such a rush?" Steve asked.

"I have to go make May's favorites so that she doesn't kill anyone." Phil just told him the truth. Steve looked confused. "She's on her time." Phil clarified. 

Steve came to the revelation. "Oh. Peggy was ferocious." He said slowly, shuddering. 

"So is May."

-:x:-

Two hours later, Phil had successfully baked one extra dark chocolate cake, cookies, and prepared dozen or more ziplock baggies full of marshmallows, dried chili peppers, and cranberries. May's favorites. 

Setting the cake and cookies to cool, he heard a voice. "I'm assuming these are for me?" Melinda materialised at the counter, and took one of the ziplock bags, opening it. 

Relief flooded her features as he took a hand full of the strange mix and popped it in her mouth. "Thanks Phil." 

He nodded, and pointed to the cookies. If Melinda had been an anime character, her eyes would have filled with sparkles. 

Melinda came over and hugged him. "Thank you." 

"Hey don't cry." Phil tried not to laugh as he returned the hug. 

"I'm not crying. I never cry." Melinda choked, and ate more wierd trail-mix. 

She snatched a cookie, and let go of him, heading back to the others. 

Two minutes later, Pepper, Natasha, and Daisy all came over. "Soooo... You gave May some chocolate dessert.. can we-?" Daisy begged. 

"I don't know if that's a good idea -" Phil started. There had been one time he had given some of May's food to Maria, and that hadn't ended well. Not for only for him, but Maria too. ESPECIALLY Maria. 

"DON'T ANY OF YOU DARE TOUCH MY FOOD." May came back. Her stance in the door communicated quite clearly that she was willing to defend her food. Marching in, she hefted the still hot cookie pan, and the bowl of ziplock baggies. "Phil, grab the cake." She ordered. 

Coulson obeyed. 

He followed her down the hall and to the elevator where she elbowed a number. He stood quietly as the others came around the corner in attempt to get to the food. The elevator shut in their faces. 

Melinda marched down the hall and to a door. She stacked the bowl of trail-mix on top of the cookies, and scanned her pass. "In." She commanded. 

Phil nodded, and Melinda followed. She set the food down on a counter, and Phil copied her with the cake. Melinda scooped up the remote and climbed into the large bed. She waited. 

"You really gonna stand there like an idiot?" May asked. 

Phil knew (from past experience) she would tackle him and drag him back if he refused. But he didn't really want to refuse. "Put the chocolate gun on the counter and bring the cookies and marshmallows." May sarcastically ordered. 

Joining her, Melinda immediately snuggled up to him, and took a bag of trail mix, turning on the TV. 

As she ate marshmallows and chilli peppers and cranberries, Phil decided that maybe PMS ay wasn't that bad. She had eventually fallen asleep with her arms wrapped around him, an open chocolate bar next to her. 

She was even kinda cute.


End file.
